In life, we often encounter individuals whose presence negatively impacts our mental and emotional well-being. Recognizing and distancing ourselves from these toxic people is crucial for our own growth and happiness. This is exactly the place I found myself back in November of 2022, outgrowing toxic people in my life.
The famous quote by Albert Camus, “In the depths of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer,” encapsulates the resilience and strength we find within ourselves during challenging times. This article explores the journey of outgrowing toxic relationships and embracing your inner strength.
How do you know if someone is toxic? Toxic people are those who consistently bring negativity, manipulate, and drain the energy of those around them. They can be overly critical, controlling, and unsupportive.
These relationships can have profound effects on our mental and physical health, leading to stress, anxiety, a diminished sense of self-worth, and even long-term effects on your physical health. Understanding the characteristics of toxic individuals is the first step toward recognizing and addressing these detrimental relationships.
The decision to let go of someone—whether that’s a friend, family member, or even a coworker—who has been a significant part of your life is never easy. For me, the moment I realized that I was outgrowing the toxic people in my life was a moment of profound clarity.
“In the depths of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.”
This quote resonated deeply, reminding me that no matter how dark or difficult the situation, there is an inner strength that can guide us through. Trusting my instincts and recognizing the need to cut ties with my toxic friend was a pivotal moment in my journey toward healing.
Removing a toxic person from your life is one of the hardest things you will ever do—it hurts not just them, but you. For me, this was someone I once cared about. I cheered her on, I wanted to see her win—I still was, I still did.
To have that person, a person you care about like that secretly be tearing you down behind closed doors in an attempt to build herself up, it broke my heart, but it made me feel really sad for her. Even when I started distancing myself at first, I still had no intention of never speaking to her again.
In my mind, it would just be less, I just didn’t want to be around her.
It was when I was out longboarding and going for my daily walks that I started noticing that she was following me around town. I already knew her traumas; she openly admitted on more than one occasion to me that she followed former boyfriends around.
Did I think she would do it to me? No, but she did.
Thankfully, knowing this about her past allowed me to think ahead. I bought a body camera as soon as I figured out what was taking place and started filming everything. I clipped it to my purse at coffee shops, my fanny pack while out exercising, I even clipped it to the back of my hat one day to get a longboarding shot–which didn’t work for the shot I wanted—but ended up being perfect to capture what was going on behind me.
Also, I started speaking up. I called the police. Remember, even if they don’t believe you, even if the people who are supposed to protect you, don’t…
Everything that is done in the dark ALWAYS comes to the light. If there is one lesson in all of this, it’s that.
Your voice might not help you, but maybe your voice is supposed to plant the seed to help the next person. You get out, you do what is best for you, your stability and most importantly your mental health.
Also, keep people informed and document everything. I had friends in other states and countries that I kept informed, along with daily journal entries of what was going on. It was a little chaotic and some were even written as notes in my books that I was reading at the time, but document everything.
She knew that I had just gone through being stalked by my next-door neighbor that entire May-July, which is why she chose stalking as her means to break me down. She had just watched the anxiety it gave me, she knew my weakness. She knew that I was scared that my neighbor was going to show back up.
She knew that I was completely vulnerable and she preyed upon that fact.
She knew that my sister and I had a rough relationship. She knew the mistakes that I made in my past. She knew that I had JUST had a fight with my mom. She knew about a guy that I had met. She knew about all of my exes. So she plotted and schemed, she put all the pieces in play, then she drove by and watched weekly, to see if she had succeeded.
My life was in shambles. I had just been diagnosed with cPTSD on top of all of it, another thing she knew.
Oh, you thought that I was going to sit over here on my high horse all nice and pretty?
You think I’m perfect? Hell no. Up until about January of 2023, I was an incredibly toxic person. Then I met this person that helped me remember who I was before my dad got sick, before he died.
He was incredibly kind to me, at a time when that was what I needed, kindness. I was being flooded with these awful memories of things I had done in my past. I felt shame, guilt, regret, all of it.
When I met him, I was at my lowest point, the shame I was feeling on the inside was seeping out of me and on full display for the world to see, or at least that’s how I felt. And in the midst of that, he was still kind to me.
He didn’t give me anything—other than just his time and his presence on two very low days in my life. He listened, that’s all. People forget, presence doesn’t have a price.
It was his simple presence that inspired me to remember my own potential, but I had to deal with the actual first. The world I had created for myself was toxic, I had to take accountability, I had to sit in that shame. I had to feel it all.
Like I said, I’m not perfect. I’ve lied. I’ve stolen. I’ve accidentally lit a greased pan on fire and had to use an extinguisher in my boyfriend’s house to put it out while he was on vacation and never told him about it. But show me one person who is perfect, who doesn’t have a past filled with mistakes created from their unhealed trauma.
One thing I can say with pride though, I’ve never been and I’ll never be a cheater.
It took a year of isolation to be able to own my own toxic patterns, to learn where they came from, and to even begin the steps necessary to change them. I’m still taking those baby steps toward being a better version of me every single day.
When you know better, you have to hold yourself accountable and BE better.
Buy and read the book Emotional Intelligence.
Removing toxic people from your life is incredibly difficult, I’m not going to sugar-coat it.
First, I would start journaling. You need to be able to start identifying the people who are consistently bringing negativity and stress into your life, through their words or actions. Journaling will help you do this whether you realize it or not, you will start to see clear and consistent patterns of behavior from your relationships, as well as from yourself.
It’s also important to set clear boundaries and communicate your need for space with respect. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to navigate through the transition. Remember, prioritizing your mental health is paramount. Cutting ties with toxic individuals allows you to create a healthier and more positive environment for yourself.
Once you’ve distanced yourself from toxic people, the process of healing and rediscovering yourself begins. Embrace the freedom and peace that comes with letting go of negative influences.
Focus on cultivating positive relationships and environments that support your growth and well-being. Make this is your “invincible summer” – a time to nurture your inner strength and resilience, and to thrive despite past challenges.
Reflecting on my journey of growth has been an essential part of my healing process.
Since cutting ties with my toxic friend, I’ve experienced significant personal development. I’ve learned to prioritize self-love and self-respect, recognizing that my well-being comes first. This journey has taught me the value of surrounding myself with positive, supportive people who encourage my growth.
Embracing self-love, i’ve learned, is the key to building the foundation for healthier relationships and a happier life.
Outgrowing toxic people is a challenging journey to navigate. It’s about recognizing the negative influences in your life and having the courage to let them go. As you embrace your inner strength and resilience, you create space for positivity and growth.
Remember, in the depths of winter, there is always an invincible summer within you. Trust in your ability to overcome challenges and prioritize your well-being above all else.
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